2019 has been a rollercoaster of a year for many and it can be said to be the same for movies. And here is the absolute worst.
Dishonourable mentions go to Angel Has Fallen, Anna, Wonder Park, Hellboy and The Hustle.
10. Playmobil: The Movie
This year, the sequel to the LEGO Movie underperformed which was a shame as it was very good. It was not a shame that Playmobil: The Movie flopped harder than a diving whale. This was complete rubbish. Some of the worst songs that have been put to an animated film, bland animation which uses Playmobil as an excuse for laziness rather than a source of creativity and it steals so much from the LEGO Movie that a hardened criminal would be embarrassed. But in a bizarre thing that makes it seem like the entire movie was a waste of time, I say seem like it wasn’t, the movie doesn’t mention Playmobil once. Yes everything is made of it and it is implied that they are in the world of Playmobil, they never mention the brand name which considering this is a glorified advert, is mystifying. This is an insult to plastic.
2019 was the year of OK, Boomer. For those who don’t know, this is a disparaging term young people say to take the mick of old people who moan about millennials. It’s a real shame this term hadn’t come about when I reviewed Shaft because this is the ultimate movie to say Ok, Boomer to. It is the stereotypical boomer’s dream movie where a typical millennial who is over-sensitive about everything gets taught by a proper man (Boomer) that in reality, he should be a misogynist violent arsehole. He, of course, turns into this as we for some reason applaud this as it is what should happen as he attracts the girl of his dreams because yes, women are attracted to men who no longer care how they feel and think they are just best for having sex with. This film is very dated and the fact it was released in 2019 on Netflix of all things outstands. If someone tells you Shaft is good, tell them OK, Boomer and move on. That’s how it works right?
Some people will be mystified at how low this is compared to the roasting I and many other critics have given it. Well, other than that guy from the Financial Times who called it worryingly erotic and then retired. Good luck to him by the way. But it does have good songs and everyone in it feels like they are trying very hard despite everything. But it is still very horrible. The easy problem to identify is just how terrifying it is, the CGI human-cat hybrids are just vomit-inducing to look at because at how they drive headfirst into the Uncanny Valley. People who study and learn CGI will be using Cats as a How Not To guide for years to come. And by the way, if you think that this will at least appeal to furries, no, they did not like it. And while the songs are catchy and sung well, most are just pointless character introductions for characters who will then go on to do nothing. Unless someone can tell me one crucial plot thing Tum Tum Tugger did after his song, this point will stand. A cat-astrophe.
7. Dark Phoenix
As you might expect, I don’t remember all the detail of every movie I watch. When making these lists, I’ll often go back to read the review to remember some bits I’ve forgotten so I can get this summary written. I really needed that for Dark Phoenix as it’s the most forgettable film of the year. I bet you completely forgot an X-Men film was even made this year! Even though it was trying to do one of the biggest and most beloved comic book storylines of all time, this felt completely pointless and had the atmosphere of a mid-season filler episode of Supergirl rather than a tentpole blockbuster. Every actor is just reading their lines and keeping their eye on the clock to see when they can get out of there for their better and more important projects. The film pretty much complies with that request, moving very quickly through all the plot points so it can finish before it wears on you too much. This is the worst X-Men film to be made and despite me loving this reboot cast, I am now looking forward to see what Disney can do with this franchise.
6. Gemini Man
Right, let’s imagine you are involved in the production of a movie and you have managed to get Will Smith for the lead. Now that you have one of the most charismatic performers in Hollywood right now, you, of course, tailor the film around him. You give him lots of one-liners, cool-looking action scenes and generally make him the coolest man on Earth because let’s face it, he already has a claim to that. You do not give him a terrible script which forces him to be more wooden than an oak tree and then make him go through a dull, lifeless plot which severely underwhelms. Considering all of the talent involved, Ang Lee directed, we should have got a lot better than this but instead, we have a very expensive straight to Netflix mehbuster. Also, can we allow the Youth Serum CGI or whatever we are calling it to mature a bit before making it the focal point of a movie? Young Will Smith is freaky to look at in this.
5. Good Boys
I’ve seen some critics of Good Boys be labelled prudes because they didn’t like the movie which sees tween boys swear, cuss and make lots of sexual jokes. That’s a bad argument though because no one has ever criticised that fact, the thing that has been criticised is that is the only thing this movie has up its sleeve. For an hour and a half, the movie has one joke. Tweens who shouldn’t be swearing and making sexual remarks doing exactly that. It’s painful because none of the kids are very good at comedy so everything about them is off and yes at some point we need to talk about Jacob Tremblay's agent landing him all these terrible roles because it is ruining his reputation. It’s the same tired plot you’ve seen in teen movies of got to get to the party but wacky things happening except you get to see the source of the screams you hear when you play Call of Duty online. Ain’t that wonderful.
4. A Dog’s Way Home
Can we just stop with these terrible sappy dog films? Because they are always terrible and often have some of the bewildering film making decisions in them. A Dog’s Way Home is no exception. It shares many of the same traits as other dog movies such as a plot that is mostly designed to make you cry with the same sort of machine precision formula that McDonald's has going into its burgers. Like them all though unless you are a massive dog lover, as in the sort that unironically calls their dog their son/daughter and everything in their home has a picture of their dog on it, it’s way too obvious and it ends up feeling very manipulative and insulting. Then for reasons I still can’t quite fathom, when lost the dog makes friends with a mountain lion. Yes, this happens and I can inform you the mountain lion’s CGI has been borrowed from The Lawnmower Man so at least it was cheap. It’s a complete dog's dinner of a movie.
I love Dumbo so this was not just a gut punch, not just a balls punch but one of those slight flicks to the testicles that you don’t realise is painful but then it hits and oh my god how is that not illegal under the Geneva Convention. The worst thing about this movie is the lead which feels cruel as it is a little girl and as the whole Greta Thurnberg situation proves, criticising a child when they are trying their best makes you look like the biggest arsehole in the world. But she’s so bad and has absolutely no range whatsoever and considering the film is relying on her to be the emotional crutch, it fails to get up off the ground no matter how big the titular elephant’s ears. That’s not even getting to the complete wastage of having Michael Keaton and Danny DeVito together on screen without it being a complete delight. Considering the talent both have, that’s a travesty. While these Disney remakes have been incredibly soulless and the worst type of cash grabby, most still end up being decent, as shown by the perfectly fine Aladdin and The Lion King, both of which were released this year. This is just a disaster that Disney will be burying deep in their vault.
2. The Queen’s Corgi
What was the worst thing to happen to the Royal Family this year? For most of the year, I would have said this film. And now at the end of the year with everything that has happened, I would still say this film. I just want to remind everyone that this movie’s events of the main character Rex getting lost in London away from Buckingham Palace are triggered because he refuses to be forcibly dated with Donald Trump’s corgi who is depicted as a complete skank. And I’m sorry for spoilers but the movie ends with the villain being forcibly mated with Donald Trump’s corgi. How could someone even think that was even a passable idea for a kid’s movie. The movie then becomes incredibly stale and boring in between the Donald Trump’s corgi sex parts which is an improvement but any film which earnestly has a dog character singing Puppy Love and not have it be completely ironic deserves neutering, not praise. Worse than people forcing jokes about Pizza Express in Woking to any joke about the Royals.
- The Beach Bum
When I put Entourage at the top of this list many years ago, I stated it was because it had deeply unlikable characters and had everything go right for them then expect us to be completely ok with that. It was simply infuriating watch and I blame it completely for the rise of Bernie Sanders. How could you not be for socialism and taking all the money off the rich after seeing those twats cruise around Hollywood getting whatever they wanted for the least amount of talent and charisma possible.
While I hate to be samey with the top of Top 10 lists, The Beach Bum is at the top of the list for the same reason. While this is Matthew McConaughey playing an artsy marijuana enthusiast poet rather than a group of overgrown frat boys in Hollywood, this has the same deeply wrong and offensive principle. A terrible character that we are supposed to like doing terrible things and then get rewarded for it.
I could say all the terrible things he does throughout this movie such as crash his daughter’s wedding after showing up late due to having sex with someone he just met in a diner bathroom, breaking out of rehab due to his very obvious addiction to illegal narcotics and other general criminality which is chalked up to being part of his art. But no, this is a movie where the lead character drinks, does drugs, then drives and kills his wife in a car crash. Then nothing happens. He gets sent to rehab, people say how terrible it is his wife died but never, ever, does the film ever think to condemn him for his actions or make him have any remorse for it. How this film can think that anyone with a right mind can watch that heavily edited scene, because I think someone in the editing room tried to not make it so obvious as they had some sense, and then think this person should be praised for being the greatest person ever is an insult to every brain cell, you, me or Brenda on the bus has. It is a moral failing on behalf of everyone in the film that no one called this out on set.
This film has made me angrier than any other in the last few years. And it should make you angry too. If you are someone who does enjoy weed, perfectly legally of course, you will be angry because anyone who watches this will think it should be banned forever and anyone even caught looking at it should be locked up with speeches by Nancy Reagan playing on repeat. If you like good movies you’ll be angry that someone thought this was worth putting to celluloid rather than maybe the cast having a casual game of volleyball.
This is the worst film of 2019 and it doesn’t matter how many terrifying furry monstrosities, bad CGI mountain lion pals or Donald Trump sex corgis the other films on this list have, it’s not even close.