Film Round-Up: My Spy, Fantasy Island and The Call of the Wild
These are some bad movies if you want the tl;dr version.
Dave Bautista is tasked with spying on a mother and daughter in case a wanted criminal gets in touch with them. However, the daughter catches him and blackmails him into training her into being a spy. So you know that it says the word spy in there in the title? Well it’d be nice if the film remembered it was there because there’s barely any proper movie spying. An action film where Sophie, the daughter, tags along with Bautista sounds like it could be a good one for the kids. But instead, it’s the big burly spy in domestic situations, so basically it’s not funny at all. It’s very low effort and even though Chloe Coleman is a fairly decent kid actress and I wouldn’t be shocked to see her appear in more movies, it’s just a bad film all around. The most it will do is keep your kids in one room, but I think it might be too tedious to hold their concentration. Bautista has been compared to a modern-day Arnold Schwarzenegger and if he appears in more bad kids films like this he’ll be way on his way to that accolade.
A group of young 20 somethings go to an island which says it makes all of their fantasies come true. However, all of their fantasies have a deadly twist. Well, this is atrocious. Not in an offensive way or a boring out of your mind way, just in a this has been constructed as well as British Leyland car sort of way. The plot has more holes than a jumper in Mothra’s nest. It falls apart on the slightest bit of thinking and the twists that happen do not make sense with what we have already seen. I think when they wrote the script for this, they looked at the first draft and decided they might as well go with it. Also this movie is classified as horror yet I didn’t even register when they tried to scare me other than a faint attempt at trying to be like Saw near the start. I say faint because the attempt is so meagre and weak a mild gust would take it around the planet. Awful and pointless.
The Call of the Wild
The story of Buck, a sled dog that is trying to find its purpose in life. Why has Hollywood suddenly turned to making so many awful dog movies? It’s really been a trend over the last few years and all of them have been the worst of the worst. This one, is a tiny bit better than the others because it does try to do something that isn’t dog gets lost. For the most part anyway. But it replaced that with Harrison Ford at his most ‘Just let me get the paycheque and get out of here’ and a CGI dog. Yes this is a dog movie with no real dogs, replacing them all with CGI. Terrible, terrible CGI. And it isn’t just that the CGI is bad. The dogs aren’t animated like real dogs, they act more like cartoons. This means in a serious movie which is trying to get real emotions, the dogs seem to move more like they are in Tom and Jerry than the real world. Hollywood, stop with the dog films. I beg of you.