Fifty Shades Freed Review

Sigh. Look, let’s just deal with this. The Fifty Shades series is coming to a close and we’re all delighted about it. The books were terrible and the movies weren’t much better. But we are getting close to the end now and I only have one more movie to review. Just one more. Two hours of this rubbish and we are done. No more creepy guys, no more diversions where the plot stops for twenty minutes to look at some rich person stuff. Let’s get on with the review for Fifty Shades Freed.

Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan, The Fall) and Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson, The Social Network) are now married. But even now that they are in marital bliss, they face problems with Anastasia’s old boss Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson, The Knick) stalking her.

So the first problem with the movie is that it has no focus what so ever. It may be boring, but a stalker storyline is at least something that could get some intrigue and some decent scenes. That’s if the movie actually remembered that this was the storyline. It will have a scene lasting a few minutes which may mention there is a stalker out there but then not mention for 20–30 minutes while it pursues something else, usually some sort of sex. This means that the movie barely means anything. The movie seems to care very little about the story and that attitude is passed onto the audience. If the movie can barely take anytime to develop its story and care about it, why should we?

So what does the movie spend all of its time doing if it doesn’t do anyting about the story? Well obviously there’s the sex and we’ll get to that. But most of it is just money porn. Look at how rich Christian Grey is. Shortly after a lavish wedding, Christian takes Anastasia to his private plane which some how she does not know about. By the way ladies, if you are some how so in the dark about your potential husband that you don’t know he owns a private plane, probably best to delay that wedding for a bit more. They then spend some time in an amazing hotel in Paris, then they head home and end up in a stunning house in the countryside near Seattle. Basically this movie is more a Pinterest board than actual film and to be honest, I’d rather just check a Pinterest board and be jealous that way.

So about the sex. This is the reason Fifty Shades of Grey exists because everyone is into the kinky sex. Yet here, the movie seems to forget that was the entire thing. There are sex scenes but they feel forced like they are just doing because that’s the reason this series became a success. They just happen from time to time and yes, they have the same issues as both. You’ve seen sexier as you’ve probably seen movies with a harsher rating than this. And the complete lack of chemistry between Dornan and Johnson, which some how has got worse over the three movies, make them seem more awkward tha sexy. Also if you are into the BDSM part be disappointed as they barely do anything of that variety apart from the basic handcuffs stuff you’ve seen in movies that are PG. So yeah, a disappointment on that front as well.

And yes many of the problems of the previous films are still here. Christian Grey instead of being the ladies man that everyone fancies, which is obviously what they are going for, is still the creepiest person alive who if he was real would be dumped by every woman and would spend his spare time on r/incels. He is so possessive and constantly treats Anastasia like property rather than a person. And yes, Anastasia does fight back a bit and try to be her own person, but in the end she usually submits to him and Christian never changes. He says he will but he ends up saying the odd creepy line again which shows he hasn’t really changed. Also, the climax only works because he has a tracker in Anastasia’s phone, so there’s that.

So is there anything good about this movie? Well, not really. It’s complete rubbish. There’s nothing in here that is worth seeing, it is shot dully, the actors have obviously given up on everything and you will it to end. It’s terrible.

Thank god. Fifty Shades Freed is the end of the Fifty Shades movie series. This wretched thing can now come to an end. I’m not sure which movie is the best, possibly the first one as it had a plot and some nice cinematography, but this one is the candidate for the worst. It has no focus, it’s still creepy and you could probably put all the bits that matter in a twenty minute YouTube video. But honestly, I don’t care. It’s all over. I don’t have to sit through any of these again. That’s a reason to celebrate.